Robert Karl Stonjek
2004-07-20 21:30:07 UTC
Einstein's Parrot
A great brain and a bird brain spend time together
By Steve Mirsky
In late April the Associated Press reported the discovery of a diary written
by a woman, Johanna Fantova, who was a close friend of Albert Einstein. "The
62-page diary, written in German, was discovered in February in Fantova's
files at Princeton University's Firestone Library, where she had worked as a
curator," the AP story noted. One fascinating revelation of the diary is
that Einstein received a parrot as a 75th-birthday gift. According to the
AP, "After deciding the bird was depressed, Einstein tried to alter its mood
by telling bad jokes."
Parrots can live for a century. In early May I may (or may not) have
encountered a parrot that may (or may not) have been the bird entertained by
Einstein. Speaking in German-accented English, the parrot recited a
monologue. What follows is a transcript of that monologue:
"How do I order beer in a bar? I say 'Ein stein for Einstein.' Hey, Parrot,
what's the difference between a wild boar and Niels Bohr? When I say that
God doesn't play dice, a wild boar doesn't tell me to stop telling God what
to do. I hate that. So what do you say to the man who developed the
exclusion principle? You say, 'Pauli want a cracker?' Wolfgang Pauli, get
it? Hello, is this thing on? Testing, one, two. Hey, Parrot, I had a dream
where I made love to Rita Hayworth for an hour. Well, for her it was an
hour. For me, 35 seconds. That's relativity.
Okay, Newton is standing on the shoulders of a giant, and he says, 'Giant,
how do I get down off you?' and the giant says, 'You don't get down off me,
you get down off a duck.' I love that one. Parrot, tell me, what is a
Lorentz contraction? That's when Mrs. Lorentz knows the baby is coming. It's
a timed dilation, not a time dilation, get it? Let's see, two guys walk into
an h-bar. An H-BAR. If you knew any physics you'd be on the floor, I swear.
Uh, if Ruby Keeler married, uh, John Wheeler, became a doctor and got a job
in Vegas, she'd be Ruby Keeler Wheeler the healer dealer.
So what would people say if Paul Dirac fell on Jane Russell? They'd say,
'Look at Dirac on Jane Russell.' Oh, they'd say it, trust me. Okay, there
are these twins, see. They're 20 years old. And one of them goes zipping
around the universe really fast while the other one stays on Earth. The twin
who was zipping around comes back, and he's maybe a year older, and he goes
to find his brother. And the brother is now 95 years old. And the young twin
comes up to him. The old twin looks at the young twin, and tears come to his
eyes. And the young twin says, 'Why are you crying?' And the old twin says,
'I'm so happy.' And the young twin says, 'To see me?' And the old twin, he
says, 'Yes. The $100 you owed me when you left. It's now $100,000.' From the
compounding interest.
Oy, these are the jokes, Parrot. What, you don't like living in a cage?
Yeah, try being the most famous man in the world. I can't even go out for a
haircut. You know, you're a good listener for a parrot. Oh boy, it looks
like you just did a Brownian movement. Good thing I lined the cage with my
cosmological constant proposal. That proposal was my second biggest mistake.
My biggest mistake was my proposal to my first wife. Ba-dum-bum. Parrot, if
you had a plastic deer on your lawn covered in Christmas lights, turning
them on would give you the faux doe electric effect. Whaddya call it when
Leo Szilard and Enrico Fermi pull up an anchor? A chain retraction! Not so
good? You should hear me play the violin. So Schrödinger and Heisenberg are
driving down the road, and Heisenberg says, 'Hey, I think you just ran over
a cat.' And Schrödinger, he says, 'Is it dead?' And Heisenberg says, heh
heh, get this: 'I can't be certain.' Okay, so the smartest man in the world
is talking to a parrot. Hey, Parrot, that's not a joke, that's my life."
From Scientific American
http://cl.extm.us/?fe8c1c727162067570-fe3016707360067c711779
Posted by
Robert Karl Stonjek.
A great brain and a bird brain spend time together
By Steve Mirsky
In late April the Associated Press reported the discovery of a diary written
by a woman, Johanna Fantova, who was a close friend of Albert Einstein. "The
62-page diary, written in German, was discovered in February in Fantova's
files at Princeton University's Firestone Library, where she had worked as a
curator," the AP story noted. One fascinating revelation of the diary is
that Einstein received a parrot as a 75th-birthday gift. According to the
AP, "After deciding the bird was depressed, Einstein tried to alter its mood
by telling bad jokes."
Parrots can live for a century. In early May I may (or may not) have
encountered a parrot that may (or may not) have been the bird entertained by
Einstein. Speaking in German-accented English, the parrot recited a
monologue. What follows is a transcript of that monologue:
"How do I order beer in a bar? I say 'Ein stein for Einstein.' Hey, Parrot,
what's the difference between a wild boar and Niels Bohr? When I say that
God doesn't play dice, a wild boar doesn't tell me to stop telling God what
to do. I hate that. So what do you say to the man who developed the
exclusion principle? You say, 'Pauli want a cracker?' Wolfgang Pauli, get
it? Hello, is this thing on? Testing, one, two. Hey, Parrot, I had a dream
where I made love to Rita Hayworth for an hour. Well, for her it was an
hour. For me, 35 seconds. That's relativity.
Okay, Newton is standing on the shoulders of a giant, and he says, 'Giant,
how do I get down off you?' and the giant says, 'You don't get down off me,
you get down off a duck.' I love that one. Parrot, tell me, what is a
Lorentz contraction? That's when Mrs. Lorentz knows the baby is coming. It's
a timed dilation, not a time dilation, get it? Let's see, two guys walk into
an h-bar. An H-BAR. If you knew any physics you'd be on the floor, I swear.
Uh, if Ruby Keeler married, uh, John Wheeler, became a doctor and got a job
in Vegas, she'd be Ruby Keeler Wheeler the healer dealer.
So what would people say if Paul Dirac fell on Jane Russell? They'd say,
'Look at Dirac on Jane Russell.' Oh, they'd say it, trust me. Okay, there
are these twins, see. They're 20 years old. And one of them goes zipping
around the universe really fast while the other one stays on Earth. The twin
who was zipping around comes back, and he's maybe a year older, and he goes
to find his brother. And the brother is now 95 years old. And the young twin
comes up to him. The old twin looks at the young twin, and tears come to his
eyes. And the young twin says, 'Why are you crying?' And the old twin says,
'I'm so happy.' And the young twin says, 'To see me?' And the old twin, he
says, 'Yes. The $100 you owed me when you left. It's now $100,000.' From the
compounding interest.
Oy, these are the jokes, Parrot. What, you don't like living in a cage?
Yeah, try being the most famous man in the world. I can't even go out for a
haircut. You know, you're a good listener for a parrot. Oh boy, it looks
like you just did a Brownian movement. Good thing I lined the cage with my
cosmological constant proposal. That proposal was my second biggest mistake.
My biggest mistake was my proposal to my first wife. Ba-dum-bum. Parrot, if
you had a plastic deer on your lawn covered in Christmas lights, turning
them on would give you the faux doe electric effect. Whaddya call it when
Leo Szilard and Enrico Fermi pull up an anchor? A chain retraction! Not so
good? You should hear me play the violin. So Schrödinger and Heisenberg are
driving down the road, and Heisenberg says, 'Hey, I think you just ran over
a cat.' And Schrödinger, he says, 'Is it dead?' And Heisenberg says, heh
heh, get this: 'I can't be certain.' Okay, so the smartest man in the world
is talking to a parrot. Hey, Parrot, that's not a joke, that's my life."
From Scientific American
http://cl.extm.us/?fe8c1c727162067570-fe3016707360067c711779
Posted by
Robert Karl Stonjek.